Stockholm Syndrome 401

Dear….

you.

It started when:

Reflections in the mirror

changed to a blurred image unknown to the naked eye

and I struggled to wonder why

I still could not pull my eyes away.

Because it was different.

And it was strange how

concealed whispers weren’t intimidating,

and the presence of dark shadows

emerged as soft delicate touches.

 

 

That presence made my heart beat so fast

when I didn’t want it to beat at all

and I couldn’t keep my eyes

as I gazed your every move.

because

there were times where I craved so much

to the point where I became homesick

and realized missing someone was part of loving them.

And that’s when you told me it was okay that I couldn’t

come to closure with the fact that

I still was not content

with being a product of the past.

and that struck me along the way

because I was at an “almost”

where I thought I was just an idiot

who fell for it every time.

 

But you held me in your palm

and whispered:

“we are here”

“we exist”

“we are real”

“we are valid”

and before then,

I had never heard those words

of encouragement and belief

in such raw terms.

 

That assumption of…. “we are valid”

gave me the confidence that,

Words were gorgeous shapes

used in order to characterize the chaos in the world

and I thought to define the way I first felt about you

was not even in the realm of our language

 

if only it wasn’t a trap for adventure….

 

It was something about the way

I was long gone after that and

I never meant to fall for you

because I was taught falling caused obsession

and when I did;

I wasn’t falling, I was being captured.

Captured in sense where it was a trap:

and I couldn’t stop myself

from becoming prisoner

because I didn’t see why it should end:

and everyone loves a lit’ bit of adventure.

or maybe that was just me.

 

because when the walls started closing in

and you’re stuck in a trance

the only thing you find yourself able to scream

are arguments why you shouldn’t be punished

for the sins you do not remember committing

for the sake of

when my eyes opened after oblivion

I realized you stopped dreaming before it started.

 

I craved to make you feel paralyzed

And I craved for you to admit

You didn’t deserve me.

so you could fall apart such as I did.

but I let it go.

 

So I told myself; turn away.

because when what you’re searching for is placement

and all you’re receiving is almost--

It’s called revenge.

 

That’s when I came to the conclusion

that you got away with

whatever you do goes

and it didn’t bother me

because in some weird manner;

I liked you better when you lied

cause the plans were changing

when I gave myself to you

and that wasn’t love anymore.

 

So maybe this isn’t a letter to you about

how I was the almost in your stockholm syndrome

and it’s not a letter to tell you how it took me six months

to write about something that felt like it ended before it began….

but------

it’s to tell you even though the number of times

I spoke the words “almost”

it was never here

and that’s what I needed

 

So here it goes:

 

Dear….

the person who made my almost

almost good enough but also

reminded me what I deserved-

it’s over and done with.

So in the future

I hope they ask about me

and you tell them how you messed up.