Stockholm Syndrome 401
It started when:
Reflections in the mirror
changed to a blurred image unknown to the naked eye
and I struggled to wonder why
I still could not pull my eyes away.
Because it was different.
And it was strange how
concealed whispers weren’t intimidating,
and the presence of dark shadows
emerged as soft delicate touches.
That presence made my heart beat so fast
when I didn’t want it to beat at all
and I couldn’t keep my eyes
as I gazed your every move.
there were times where I craved so much
to the point where I became homesick
and realized missing someone was part of loving them.
And that’s when you told me it was okay that I couldn’t
come to closure with the fact that
I still was not content
with being a product of the past.
and that struck me along the way
because I was at an “almost”
where I thought I was just an idiot
who fell for it every time.
But you held me in your palm
“we are here”
“we are real”
“we are valid”
and before then,
I had never heard those words
of encouragement and belief
in such raw terms.
That assumption of…. “we are valid”
gave me the confidence that,
Words were gorgeous shapes
used in order to characterize the chaos in the world
and I thought to define the way I first felt about you
was not even in the realm of our language
if only it wasn’t a trap for adventure….
It was something about the way
I was long gone after that and
I never meant to fall for you
because I was taught falling caused obsession
and when I did;
I wasn’t falling, I was being captured.
Captured in sense where it was a trap:
and I couldn’t stop myself
from becoming prisoner
because I didn’t see why it should end:
and everyone loves a lit’ bit of adventure.
or maybe that was just me.
because when the walls started closing in
and you’re stuck in a trance
the only thing you find yourself able to scream
are arguments why you shouldn’t be punished
for the sins you do not remember committing
for the sake of
when my eyes opened after oblivion
I realized you stopped dreaming before it started.
I craved to make you feel paralyzed
And I craved for you to admit
You didn’t deserve me.
so you could fall apart such as I did.
but I let it go.
So I told myself; turn away.
because when what you’re searching for is placement
and all you’re receiving is almost--
It’s called revenge.
That’s when I came to the conclusion
that you got away with
whatever you do goes
and it didn’t bother me
because in some weird manner;
I liked you better when you lied
cause the plans were changing
when I gave myself to you
and that wasn’t love anymore.
So maybe this isn’t a letter to you about
how I was the almost in your stockholm syndrome
and it’s not a letter to tell you how it took me six months
to write about something that felt like it ended before it began….
it’s to tell you even though the number of times
I spoke the words “almost”
it was never here
and that’s what I needed
So here it goes:
the person who made my almost
almost good enough but also
reminded me what I deserved-
it’s over and done with.
So in the future
I hope they ask about me
and you tell them how you messed up.